Steps to Becoming a Better Listener
When I was in art school, I took a menswear design class. I don’t remember exactly, but the instructor took me out in the hallway to talk about something. As she was talking to me, apparently she could see inside my brain and sensed that I was planning what I was going to say next, instead of listening. It’s impossible to listen and plan your response at the same time, so clearly, I wasn’t listening. She gently placed her hand on my arm and said, “Elli, just listen for a minute. I can see that you are planning your response, but listen fully to what I am saying and then formulate your response.” There was a long pause, while my mouth was probably open in awe… then an explosion happened (in my brain).
That specific observation and feedback that I received changed me. From that day forward, my awareness shifted toward listening. As time went on, I realized there was an even higher level of listening called high-quality listening. The power of high-quality listening is filled with positives not only for the listener but also for the one that is being heard. It’s not easy and it involves practice. But when you get there, high-quality listening will strengthen the circuitry for a deeper and more authentic connection.
The Person Listening is Always in Control
Many business books I have read over the years say the same thing: the person listening is always in control. I see it all the time. The true listener has the ability to build bridges vs barriers because the listener steers the conversation. For example, if the listener creates space for the other to speak freely and implements high-quality listening skills, then the listener won’t be triggered by reactive emotions such as anger or irritation. The listener will have approached the listening with non-judgment and curiosity; therefore, steering the conversation to a positive place for both parties.
Listening Means You Are Present
Listening means you are fully present to absorb, discern deeply, and enjoy the words that are entering your consciousness. It’s an embodied experience. When you are thinking about your response or become emotional about what you are hearing, you are not fully listening and consequently not present. Listening is an investment. You must put in the time to really benefit and allow others to benefit as well. When someone feels heard, the heart space opens. When someone feels unheard and interrupted, the heart space closes. When the listener is angry or frustrated, the heart space contracts. When the listener is curious, patient, and empathic, the heart space expands. Do you see how that can be beneficial for both parties?
What is High-Quality Listening
High-quality listening can be a bit difficult because it involves listening without judgment and interruption, but with curiosity and emotional control. When you disagree or judge what you are listening to, your brain might immediately shift to the reasons why you disagree. As you mentally keep track of the reasons, you are no longer present; therefore, missing information. Since you have abandoned listening it becomes similar to a train losing its conductor. With high-quality listening, we create the space to truly hear what the other has to say; hence gaining clarity and the ability to respond skillfully. Their point of view is respected and that benefits both of you. High-quality listening can shift your paradigm making you aware, informed, and perhaps more educated.
Tips For Becoming a High-Quality Listener
It takes awareness, practice, and persistence to train yourself to listen. Listening resembles a muscle and we must continue to strengthen it. High-quality listening goes even deeper. Here are some tips for you to practice:
1. Set the intention and clear your mind
Set your intention to wholeheartedly listen. If you feel that your mind is cluttered, then take some time to clear it before entering the conversation. Write some thoughts down, make a list, or practice some mindful breathing to relax. If it’s an impromptu conversation and you are not in a state to fully listen, then ask to continue the conversation at another time.
2. Put away distractions
Put away phones, tablets, papers, or anything else that is distracting.
3. Avoid jumping to conclusions, arguing, blaming, or judging
Listen to the entire story/idea/thought patiently. Get all the information first. Many times we start to argue without knowing the full story. “Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.” Don’t expect everyone to respond to situations exactly as you would.
4. Stop interrupting and stealing the spotlight
Interruptions have an impact on the brain (attention span) and the momentum of the speaker. It hinders the flow of communication and allows for forgotten facts never to be found. And frankly, it’s rude. Refrain from interrupting to tell a similar story of your own. Make a note of it if you need to so you can come back to it at an appropriate time. Let the spotlight shine on the speaker until they are done telling their story first.
5. Refrain from imposing your own solutions and ask questions instead
Sometimes people are talking things out and aren’t looking for a solution from you. If asked then it’s ok, but if not, let me offer you a different route; ask questions! Be curious! As you ask the questions, they might gently guide the speaker to find their own solutions.
Start listening now…
Don’t get called out by your teacher like I did; start listening now. Practice small by listening to your closest people without feeling that you need to impose your view or judgment. Listen to them and say things like:
“I hear what you are saying”
“I understand what that feels like” or “I can imagine what that would feel like”
“It sounds like you feel very (excited, sad, irritated, confused, and happy) about this, tell me more (or is there anything else you are thinking/feeling?)”
Listening is a win-win. The speaker is heard (heart is open), and the listener obtains all the information so they can respond skillfully without judgment (heart is open). Do you know what I mean? (if you were listening you would!)